When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…