When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

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Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.


Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.


It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.


Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*


Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.


Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.


the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.


Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility


Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?