When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
You Might Also Like
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Breaking news:
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then