When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
The glockness monster
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat