Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

life lately

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift