When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
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PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
weaknesses
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand