When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
philosophical skeletons be like
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
screw you
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.