Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

looks legit

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway