Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*