when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
In banana years, I am bread.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.