Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Thinking about a snail with a limp

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.