When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.