When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?