Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

guys I’m going home

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.