I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Somebody call the cops.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison