When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
is this a warning or an offer?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
im all 3
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.