When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands