When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.