When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.