When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
who did the taste test?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault