When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle