When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.