When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.