Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

In space, no one can hear…

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.