When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah