When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.