When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you