Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*