When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them