When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
5 ways to appear taller
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Natural selection at its finest
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking