When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The funk soul brother
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?