Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

the short answer to this question

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Time for evil

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*