When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Not all heroes wear capes…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Can’t, holding a grudge