When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Customer is always right
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.