Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

You had me at “define legal”.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.