When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole