When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
