When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
#oldknees
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same