Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

I love this❤️😁👍

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks