When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Spring of Deception
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?