When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
calling in to work dehydrated
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I will never stop laughing at this
get you a girl who
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.