When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.