Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Kids: Stay in school.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.