Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Best table by far

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.