When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
can you read it!!??
maan!
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.