When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Had to try this trend 😊
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*