When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

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Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.


Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean


me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente


How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?


This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!


[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.



HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.