When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
why I oughta
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.