When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.