Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power