Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no such thing as a dumb question

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Hot Hot Hot

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.