When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Generation gap…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.