When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
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Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Hank is one in a melon.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Twitter is the new flypaper.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Best seat on the street 😍
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift