North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.