Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

White parent Vs Arab parents

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly