When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”


I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.


HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.


My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.


There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital


January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K


I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.