When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.