Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

they split up moments later

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?