when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My inexpensive home security system…
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.