When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
