when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.