when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.