me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered