When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
i wish we could shoplift online
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.