When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Monday Lisa
LOL
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.