When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
worst…sale…ever
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is