Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

im 7 sauces long

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.