when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Unexpected Judgment
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol