Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.