When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*limbos away from your hug*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy