Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

thanks auntie mary

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

There are usually two types of merchants.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one