When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Good morning
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When you’ve simply given up.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’ve disappointed better people.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.