When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I just want an internship man
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”