When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
pelicons
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally